The beginning of the story.....

Where do I begin...

I met my partner soon after I ended an unhealthy relationship, and for the first time in my life considered myself attractive. Due to stress I had dropped down to around 120lbs (which, for someone who around 5'10, was almost skeletal- for reals, when I see old pictures it looks as though I was in dire need of both a cookie and a glass of something more substantial than wine), and as someone who had always been the token "fat chick" it was a huge change for me. Men found me attractive (and not just the person they wanted to watch the game and have a beer with). I could shop at all the stores that used to taunt me when I was squeezing into the largest size Old Navy offered, hoping to camouflage the muffin top with a bulky sweater. Of course, with this came the inevitable confusion of confusing "wanting to fuck me" with "liking me", but hey, I was safe and for the most part having fun.

I had signed up on an Adult match-making site- mostly out of curiosity, but partly because I figured I was young and then was the time to do all my sexual exploration. After talking to a few people via IM (often with hilarious results- do you know that seen in Euro Trip where Michelle Trachtenburg's character shows up on the nude beach and is chased down by a bunch of horny naked men? Well, this was the computer equivalent), I got a message from my now husband which seemed innocent enough. So I messaged him back (glad to escape the Night at the Roxbury for awhile), and we started chatting. We made plans the next day to meet up for ice-cream, and really clicked. So much so that even though he was only in my city visiting family and was working in California at the time, he decided within about two weeks of dating to move back here.

However, this time was not without its red flags. He apparently had a girlfriend in Connecticut (who he broke up with over the phone), and was constantly getting texts from some 18 year old girl that did volunteer work with him. I apparently was not to worry, as things have been going badly with his girlfriend for awhile and he was planning on breaking up with her anyway (despite finishing his licensing to work in CT, and telling her that he was planning to move there to be with her). Also, that 18 year old? Just a silly crush- nothing more substantial (though I found out years later that prior to me meeting him, he was sleeping with her).

Being truly foolish and in love, I ignored these signs and made plans for him to move. We booked my plane ticket for me to fly to California to help him pack up his condo, and for me to accompany him on the trip back. We were pretty much disgustingly in love, and probably annoyed the shit out of anyone within a 5 mile radius- I was a teaching assistant at the time, and I'm pretty sure some of my students benefited from me being in such an amazing mood. It's hard to fail the shit out of someone when you feel like you're dancing on a cloud. Even if they truly did deserve it.

After he got settled in his new place, he mentions the fact that he's on a few "dating" sites- oh, but I shouldn't worry. It's just because he got bored and wanted to chat with people. Rut R'oh Scooby- do not pass Go, do not collect 200$. But like I said, I was stupidly in love and figured "Why not? He wouldn't be doing anything bad if he's being honest about it, right?". Ummm.....no. He was banking on the fact that I would just take his word for it, and not actually check what kind of messages he was exchanging with other women. And I didn't. He had the log-in information, and I would see sites like Plenty of Fish and Casual Kiss in our Internet history, but didn't make the link that "hey dumbass- what he says he does =/= what he actually does".

to be continued....

An Introduction

I know there are already eleventy-seven blogs written by women affected by their partner's sex addiction online. Some take a more spiritual approach, and while I love the idea that there is some big benevolent dude up in the sky with a vested interest in making sure us underlings behave, I am way too cynical to actually believe this is remotely possible. Others appear to take the view that external factors are at fault for their partner's addiction; that it's the accessibility of porn, prostitution, or other "easy" women who coerce their partners into behaving badly. While I do agree that if things like dating websites and free pornography weren't immediately accessible to anyone with an internet connection that it would make it more difficult for him to fulfill his addiction, in the end an addict is an addict. I'm not going to pretend that if these external factors didn't exist that the addiction wouldn't manifest itself in different ways- I know in my partner's case, there is such a perfect storm of risk factors that if it wasn't this it would be something else he would feel compelled to do to gain validation from the opposite sex.

I just didn't feel any strong sort of connection with anything currently out there- absolutely, there are situations that I empathize with, but as someone who is fairly outspoken and not prone to back-patting, I often feel like the odd one out. The turd in the punchbowl if you will. However, I fully admit that it's easy to sit back and be a Judgey McJudgerson when you can objectively pick apart someone else's situation and go "dude, that's pretty fucked up" without realizing to others that what you are dealing with is equally fucked up.

Which is why I generally don't share my story with others who haven't at least dealt with either a partner with an addiction or a partner who has been unfaithful- because while it does feel good to get validation that you are in the right and your partner is a massive douchecanoe who should be sent up shit creek without a paddle, if you decide to stay partnered with that individual, there will be fall-out. Fair enough, it is difficult to watch someone you care about continue to stay in a relationship that may not be healthy for them...but it's still pretty difficult to deal with, and makes you feel even shittier when your self-esteem has already taken a massive hit from your partner seeking sexual gratification elsewhere.

Anyway, I figured I would start writing down some of my experiences. Who knows, maybe it will be cathartic- or maybe just seeing some of the things I have dealt with written down will give me a clearer idea of how I should proceed, because as of right now, I'm in some sort of fucked up purgatory where there is no clear advantage to moving up or down.